say it like it is

It is official, I am in pre-race mode. I just finished reading the posts on the DFMC website and I am so frustrated. I am familiar with the questions that pop up this time of year. But, I have my rituals and I don't want to deviate from them. What I am searching for are answers to the really important race day questions. Is there anyone out there that would be able to help me with these:

1. If the 2008 singlet makes me look fat, can I wear one from a previous year that is more slimming?
2. Is it acceptable to wear white running shoes even though it is not yet Memorial day?
3. What is the maximum amount of crap that I can wear on my body on race day and still look like I am actually a runner and not a tourist?
4. Since Aimee and Laurie are running this year, should I pack two watches or three?

Rest hard,
John

Since I am unable to work or focus on anything but the race, I will answer Papa John's questions, and add a few of my own.

1. You are the sexiest 49 year old man I know. You could not look fat in your singlet.
2. You are ok with white. As long as you are not wearing linen running shorts or argyle socks, you're fine.
3. It's tough to quantify crap...but I think if you go iPod, fuel belt, garmin, shades, and carry a cell phone with built in camera, you should be fine.
4. No answer for 4.

My questions:

1. If I cramp up (like I did in Phoenix last year) late in the race but I'm on track to qualify, should I stop and find a porto-potty or just poop in my pants?
2. Will shaving my head, legs and arms make me less wind resistant and thus faster? Will Laurie's waxing make me faster by reverse osmosis?
3. For my running tunes, should I go with loud "pump" music to keep me pushing or maybe change it up and relax with classical to calm my nerves and bring down the heart rate?
4. If I order a Bass Ale tonight for John and leave it on the bar to honor his absence, how long will it take for Jack to drink it?

Matt,

Thank you for helping me out. I will now try to do the same.

1. I would say port-o-potty. It is only cool to poop in your pants when you are on TV.
2. Shaving will definitely make you faster, but you forgot chest and back, two hairy areas where shaving provides the added bonus of helping you lose weight. As for the osmosis part, I need more information, are we talking Brazilian?
3. I might go with some smooth jazz to keep you mellow and on pace. John Coltrane. "Favorite Things."
4. My suggestion is to tell Jack that I called and I am stuck in traffic and I will be there shortly. Let's see how long that can hold him off.

Have a good day,

John